This is part 2 of last night’s post, When Students Attack. I highly recommend reading that post before reading this one.

When we saw each other tonight, I could tell he was a little standoffish, but that was about it; which is strange because I can read people pretty easily.

Without going into the whole story, I’ll share some bullet points of how I follow up on a student who attacks. Hopefully this will be useful for other youth workers.

- Set ground rules of communication: The first thing I did tonight was calmly express that his tone and accusations last night were not acceptable. A youth worker who values being a friend more than being a leader will never be able to do that. We’ve got to set that important boundary to establish our authority and leadership in the lives of students; for their good as well as our own. I told him that he needed to communicate what he wants rather than slam me later for not doing what I didn’t know he wanted.

- Work one by one through the issues: We talked about each issue he wanted to discuss last night. I asked follow up questions to each of his issues. We had a good conversation methodically working through everything on his mental list. After we went about as far as I felt he wanted on each topic, I asked if there was anything else. Giving him the chance to say no was important, even if I knew that was the answer. I wanted him to verbalize the fact that he got the opportunity to speak his mind entirely.

- Affirm the healthy way to communicate: At the end of our discussion, I mentioned how much better it felt to discuss these issues and for him to communicate what he wanted to talk about in a healthy more mature way than he had last night.

- Reaffirm my availability and eagerness to meet in the future: It’s important for him to know that I want to talk as much as he needs as much as I’m available. He needs to know that he’s got somebody on his side who wants to help him process what’s on his mind. This part of the discussion also involves contrasting the ugliness of his attacks last night to the closeness we felt as we talked today. I said I don’t love conflict and I don’t bring it on myself, but I love the benefits of handling conflict well. We’re closer for taking the ugliness of last night and working through it in a healthier way today.

- End in prayer: I like to hold the hand of the student I’m praying for. Side note, I never do this type of counseling with girls. Youth workers should counsel students of the same gender, if possible. I prayed over him for the issues he expressed, over his family and his future in ministry.

I had dinner with a student tonight to talk about a Christian club he started at his school. I’m very proud of this student and gave him a lot of encouragement and ideas. I also made sure I expressed to others in front of him how proud I was.

Tonight, however, we’ve exchanged a few messages on Facebook about how mad he is that I didn’t hear some things he didn’t say and how much I let him down. Seventeen years ago, when I started in youth ministry, that would have really thrown me for a loop. I would probably have been devastated and tried to appease his every point of discouragement. Fortunately, experience has me taking a different approach.

SOME WISDOM ON THE TOPIC…
This might be helpful for others, so I thought I’d jot down some reality checks in case you come across this:

- Beware of projectiles: He’s projecting inner insecurities and frustration onto me, I did everything I could with the information I had to give him what he needed. I must not internalize those misplaced negative feelings. He had them long before he met me and will deal with them in the way he chooses. I’ll give guidance, but the decision to make healthy choices is up to him.

- Speak truth to misplaced frustration/rage: Many (possibly all) of his frustrations stem from inner doubt and insecurity. My response to his Facebook email attacks were to show how I communicated my support tonight, that I believe in him, and that he had my full attention, and I gave him as much time as he wanted. Much of tonight’s attacks were about how he’s hurt that, in his opinion, I didn’t allow him to address the issues (the ones he didn’t tell me he wanted to discuss).

- Allow the message time to take hold: He’s still angry and hurt at me (really a reflection of his longtime inner torment). However, I imagine when he cools down, and has time for my words to sink in and take hold, he’ll begin to understand what I had to say. If I tried to get him to see that before I went to bed tonight, it would be futile. Experience tells me to speak the truth and give it time to sink in.

- End a conversation, even if it’s not over: We have not resolved these issues, but the conversation was not moving in a healthy direction. I told him I was done for the night, but invited him to spend time with me again soon to hash this out. A mark of maturity in working with students is realizing effective relational ministry happens over a season and through effective conflict resolution.

This student is awesome and will be fine. This is, however, our first conflict. While conflict isn’t fun or attractive, it has amazing power to deepen a relationship if handled well. For that, I’m thankful and press on in this ugliness. To read more about dealing effectively with conflict, click here.

There’s more to this story. Read The Day After Students Attack for my notes on the follow up to this conversation.

This blog post is a little bit heavy. I share it with the intent of helping others think through their actions if they ever have to remove a student from their ministries. This isn’t one I enjoyed writing, but if my goal is to help other in-the-trenches youth workers, I have to share the ugly stuff, too.

Rather than going into the “why” of the matter, I’m going to share some important actions I took which made this a less explosive situation (and two actions I could have done better):

What I did right:
1. I had solid reasons for making the decision. Nothing was personal against her or out of anger on my part
2. I gave the situation a month and a half cooling period. The student was not allowed to attend during that time. We revisited the situation prior to making the final decision
3. I discussed the situation with trusted and confidential advisers
4. I clearly communicated my reasons (which I had to do a few times)
5. I made my superiors aware of my decision and the reasons behind it before announcing it to the family. Part of this was seeking their support, part of it was allowing them the opportunity to give guidance if they wanted

What I could have done better:
1. Making the decision: Although I did have a brief conversation with her parents by phone before making the decision, I should have had a more in-depth conversation in person
2. Communicating the decision: I communicated this decision over the phone. I should have done it in person. I did have a follow up meeting in person which went very well.

I love our students. They’re incredibly helpful around the church, passionate about the causes of Christ, eager to sign up to go on mission trips, etc. With some of them, however, there’s a huge disconnect with the work of the church and their interactions at home. I’m not surprised anymore, but I am at a loss for how to help these students take their church attitudes into their home lives.

In the eyes of students, there are a variety of reasons for the disconnect:

• Life at home is unfair
• Parents are unpleasable
• You hurt most those you love
• There’s too much history. Everybody knows my faults so I can’t hide. I might as well be what they expect.

While I have counseled a couple of families on this topic, I’m still figuring out how to bridge the gap of how the students shine at church and rust at home. Here are a few strategies I’m testing:

• Colliding worlds. I’m interacting with parents more so they feel comfortable coming to me for help. This helps me get to know the student behind the mask and deal with the real issues there
• Listen, but don’t feed. Students need to vent. I get that. However, I try hard to leave it at that. The basic truth is students love their parents, they just drive each other crazy. Students need a safe place to scream about what’s happening at home. I’m careful not to encourage their feelings, but I’ll let them get it off their chest.
• Connect the dots. This is a huge eye opener for students that has to become an art form for youth workers. It’s not easy to do well without pushing a student away. In the last point, I wrote to listen, but don’t feed. Connecting the dots happens after students have cooled down and you’re in a different conversation with them. Something they say will shed light on why a parent reacts a certain way or has a rule or doesn’t trust. At that moment, I’ll engage the student in a conversation about how that nugget of discovery impacts their life at home. It’s fun to see the lights go on when I offer a different way to communicate that same message in a healthier way.

While I’ve been doing this stuff for years, I’m being more intentional specifically about relationships in the home in this season of ministry. I’ve still got some learning to do. I’m sure there will be more posts about this in the future.

I’d love to know what you think. Please comment on this post if you have some ideas.

Thanks!

Dennis

I loved this guest post over at MoreThanDodgeball.com. Here’s a snippet. Go there for the rest.

Kill them (with kindness of course): These are the kids that I will try and go out of my way for – dropping by their work (where they have to talk to me!), or school – and really try to rebuild that bridge, or build trust again. This is not because I need them to like me, but being intentional with the students that would be easier to avoid will mean something to them, even if not right away. Being gracious and relentlessly forgiving is what the best leaders I know do.

Accept it: If there is a student that despises you, but comes to youth group week in and week out, CONGRATULATIONS!, you are doing a heck of a job! When youth becomes about small groups, worship, and what is being taught from the Bible, and not about who is teaching it, that is a sign of a strong youth group. When a ministry becomes a personality cult, hanging onto the charisma of one leader, it’s unsustainable and destined for failure. Sometimes you need to accept that not every student is going to be on board.

Move on: There will come a point where you have tried everything, exhausted your options, eaten too many ice cream cones from their work, and you need to move on. Don’t mistake this as a write-off of that student, but a moving forward of the entire group. When you focus on the students who want to be discipled and they begin to move and grow, eventually that other student will decide whether they want in on what’s going on, or whether they are going to remain on the outside looking in. It’s important that we as leaders move on, focusing on what we are called to do, and make disciples of our students, investing in the ones who desire it.

I’ll explain this pizza at the bottom.

Yesterday I confronted a student because I found out he recently got lessons on how to make joints. I used anger in this situation to sternly demand he not go down that road. I didn’t yell, but I wasn’t easy on him, either. He clearly got the message.

The reason he clearly got the message is that I rarely make an issue out of what would have made me irate in the past. The kids know I care about them and have standards I live by and expect them to keep as well. They know me as a caring youth leader who gently gives them boundaries and loves to catch them off guard with stupid youth pastor humor.

When I get serious, then, they know it’s a big deal. It might be about a confrontation or about a deep spiritual need I see in their lives. When I get serious, they pay attention.

General principles I’m trying to follow:
- If I’m always angry (or highly emotional), I am never really heard or making an impact with my outburst

- I end every confrontation with “I love you.” It kind of takes the sting out and reminds them I’m on their side. They usually respond with, “I know”

- When confronting a student, I get right to the point as soon as possible. This communicates confidence, removes their anxiety if they know what’s coming, and gets us to the action steps (resolution – path toward health) much more quickly

- I don’t beat a dead horse. Confrontation doesn’t have to be a long heated conversation. My conversation about the joint-rolling lesson took place in about 3 minutes in passing. If I find out he is going down that road, we’ll get together again and escalate the message and action steps. However, less can be more. The longer I drive a point home, the more it gets diluted

So why the pizza? Well, I guess pot does give kids the munchies, but that’s not why it’s there. Somebody told me every post should have a picture. I didn’t want to post a joint on my blog, so I thought I’d put up a picture of my lunch. I wrote this sitting at Costco before going shopping.

MoreThanDodgeball.com has a GREAT post about dealing with angry parents. Every youth worker needs to be prepared for this ahead of time so we won’t be thrown into a tailspin when we have the encounter. Here’s a clip, go there for the rest.

Own it: If you screwed up, admit it. Nothing and I mean nothing will diffuse a situation like saying, “ you are right, it was totally my fault, and I am sorry.” You admitting fault will catch them off guard, passing the buck or blame shifting will only make them more irrate. Once you have taken the blame, tell them what you are going to do about it. Have a plan for making it right and be sure to see that it happens.

Affirm the Concern: In the midst of the anger and potentially yelling, find something to affirm the person who is upset. It could be that you appreciate that they cared enough to come down, or that they are involved in their students lives to a point that they would find out what happened and come talk to you about it.

A parent of one our students is trying to deal with some issues with her high schooler. We’re going to talk through some ideas so I’ve been brainstorming on the topic. Here are some principles I’ve come up with. Maybe they’ll be helpful for others.

Discipline shouldn’t be:
- A tool for venting anger
- A reason to ground kids from church (This has been a problem which takes away a source of spiritual growth)

Discipline should be:
- A way to redirect a wayward kid toward a desired goal
- Seen as an opportunity for growth rather than a chance to get retribution

Here’s an example of discipline thoughtfully designed to reach restorative goals:

This type of discipline does not happen on the fly in the moment of anger. Ideally, parents will think through healthy ways to reach goals before their kids need correction. Doing this will help parenting become much easier. Prepared parents armed with well-thought-out courses of action are much more likely to achieve healthy results through less contentious encounters.

Guiding kids is much easier and more effective when a plan is already in place. When parents discipline on the spot without a plan, it’s often too much or unrealistic. Having to backtrack on discipline when tempers cool and reality sets in hinders a parent’s ability to be effective more each time that happens. Eventually parents give up and their kids lose out… and go wild.

Recently two issues came up that I had to decide whether to address or let go. All youth workers struggle with this decision at some point. Sometimes we let things go that we really should address. Sometimes we harp on issues beyond what’s needed to make the point.

Issue #1: In one of our high school meetings, the leader was ready to begin. He was tired because he had been overworked and very stressed. In his condition, he was incredibly rude to both the students and volunteer leaders in the way he sternly shouted at us to sit down and be quiet. My natural response was shock and a quick look of disapproval shot in his direction. To that he called me out through the microphone and tried to make me look foolish.

Pride says I had every right to call him out for his rude and unappreciative behavior. Common sense says to consider his mental condition and proximity to burning out and give him some slack. This proved to be the right call. When we reassembled a couple of hours later for another meeting, instead of barking orders rudely into a microphone, he was pleasantly welcoming us back into the room and asking us to sit down quietly so we could begin. Somewhere along the line he got the message without me having to enlighten him on the error of his ways.

Issue #2: Recently a movie was shown that was not appropriate – especially in the ministry setting. I should have addressed this much sooner than I did and had the leader in charge stop the movie. There did come a point during the movie when it got so bad that I told the leader my opinion, but still left the decision up to her. At that point in the storyline, the inappropriate material was at the tail end and the moral of the story (which was weak) was going to be revealed. My thinking was if we cut the movie off where they don’t at least get something out of the story worthwhile, all we’ve done is loaded them up with bad material. I definitely sent an e-mail addressing the need for clear guidelines for any entertainment we use in the ministry setting.

When the issue is protecting the ministry, maintaining godly boundaries or upholding the values of the ministry, my advice is to always address the issue. The method and intensity of the approach can vary depending on the magnitude of the issue. However, anything that can send the wrong message, confuse a student’s understanding of Christian values, or harm the ministry needs to be quickly and decisively addressed without apprehension.

1. Put the truth out there – knowledge kills gossip because the nature of gossip is to be 1/2 truths and secretive. If there’s gossip going on about your ministry, get the truth out there or at least dispel the myths.

2. Bring the parties together – if one person is gossiping about another, rather than allow it to go on, bring the gossiper to the subject of the gossip and clear the air. Setting this as the standard for your ministry and following through on it as often as it happens will change the culture of a gossip-laden youth group.

3. Teach your way through it – consider teaching a series on the love of Christ and the nature of love. When we genuinely love like Christ, there’s no place for gossip. Gossip tears down, while love looks out for the interests of others.

4. Hold a reconciliation event – if the problem has taken over your group, hold a reconciliation service. After a message on Christ’s love and healthy conflict resolution, have them share how gossip affects them. Allow them to confront the issues being gossiped about and commit to healing the group