Tonight I counseled with a student who wants to get rid of a bad habit. As one of the action steps, I suggested that he tell the person supplying him with the material to do his habit. His response was an aggravated, “Don’t you think I thought of that?” (The implied comment was that he wasn’t going to do it).

Sometimes in a counseling situation, we’ve got to turn the tables a bit to help students understand the logic behind my suggestion.

My reply was, “Imagine I am the one with the issue and I keep my goal of stopping a habit to myself. I don’t tell anybody for whatever reason. Next time my enabler offers me the tools to feed my habit, is that my fault or his?”

His eyes looked down. I could see the wheels slowly starting to move. The his head popped up, he looked me right in the eye and excitedly said, “Oh, I get it!”

There will be more to this conversation, but at least it’s started. He realizes that part of making the decision involves more than wheel power. Unless he shares the decision with his enablers, he hasn’t really decided to change.

This week I was counseling a student about some recurring issues in his life. He was pretty bummed about his lack of progress in spite of his deep desire to change.

This was a great opportunity for me to explain the difference between commitment and decisions. We make commitments all the time:

- I will meet you for coffee
- I will show up to help you move at 6:00 AM on Saturday
- I will read my Bible and spend an hour in prayer every day for the rest of my life
- I will meet you after work to go to the gym
- I will lose 35 pounds by Thanksgiving
- I will love, cherish and obey, and take you as my lawfully wedded wife
- I will respect my parents
- I will not look at pornography
- I will stay sexually pure until marriage

These are all commitments we make in various levels of severity, consequence and significance. None of them, however, can be done without without being backed by a decision to actually follow through.

Testing the decision decision behind the commitment will give you a pretty good idea of whether or not you will follow through.

If a commitment is made with the following thoughts or feelings, the commitment is not likely to become reality:

- How can I get out of this?
- Is there a previous commitment I might have forgotten about that can get me out of this?
- I’m not strong enough to do this
- I’m going to try my hardest for as long as I can

There’s one element that, when added to commitment and decision dramatically increases our chanceoffollow through. It’s called character. I have made several commitments (shorthand long term) that I’ve regretted. Some I’ve flaked out on, others I’ve kept even though I had desire at all to do what I committed to.

When we can commit, make the decision to follow through, and then have the character to back it up with action, some great things happen:

- Our character is strengthened which makes this whole commitment thing easier
- Friendships deepen
- Our regret of a commitment made turns into a great feeling of accomplishment and joy in the task because happiness comes from serving, not from being served

The guys over at GenToGenYM.com had a great post today about how to help a kid in crisis. I’ll put some of the bullet points below. However, I highly recommend going over there to read what they have to say.

I let them know I care and that I’m glad that they have trust in me to come to me with a problem. I let my guys know that if they have a serious issue that is troubling them, they can text or call me 24/7. I’ve yet to have any students abuse this, or call me at three in the morning about a trivial problem that could have waited until morning.

Let them know they’re not alone. This is usually one of my first steps. Students need to hear that the issue they’re going through isn’t unique to them. Most of the time they won’t arrive here on their own, so they need your voice to tell them. This will start to put them a little more at ease.

Get details. Oftentimes you won’t get the full story in the initial conversation, phone call or text. Once you get a feel for what’s happening, get some details. Find out everything you need to know to fully assess the situation. Once you know details, it will make the advice-giving step much easier and more accurate to the student’s situation.

Offer advice. If the situation is something you have some experience with, give them some pearls of wisdom. If you’ve been through the situation yourself, it might be appropriate to tell that to your student and say what you did to overcome it. If you don’t have any idea what to tell them, either point them in the direction of someone who will have good advice, or seek it out yourself and get back with the student later. If you need to choose the second option, don’t wait too long to get back to them.

Pray with them. If it’s a conversation you’re having either on the phone or in person, don’t miss an opportunity to pray with the student before they leave. This can be super powerful and bonding for you as their leader, and it obviously acknowledges God in asking for his help.

I had dinner with a student tonight to talk about a Christian club he started at his school. I’m very proud of this student and gave him a lot of encouragement and ideas. I also made sure I expressed to others in front of him how proud I was.

Tonight, however, we’ve exchanged a few messages on Facebook about how mad he is that I didn’t hear some things he didn’t say and how much I let him down. Seventeen years ago, when I started in youth ministry, that would have really thrown me for a loop. I would probably have been devastated and tried to appease his every point of discouragement. Fortunately, experience has me taking a different approach.

SOME WISDOM ON THE TOPIC…
This might be helpful for others, so I thought I’d jot down some reality checks in case you come across this:

- Beware of projectiles: He’s projecting inner insecurities and frustration onto me, I did everything I could with the information I had to give him what he needed. I must not internalize those misplaced negative feelings. He had them long before he met me and will deal with them in the way he chooses. I’ll give guidance, but the decision to make healthy choices is up to him.

- Speak truth to misplaced frustration/rage: Many (possibly all) of his frustrations stem from inner doubt and insecurity. My response to his Facebook email attacks were to show how I communicated my support tonight, that I believe in him, and that he had my full attention, and I gave him as much time as he wanted. Much of tonight’s attacks were about how he’s hurt that, in his opinion, I didn’t allow him to address the issues (the ones he didn’t tell me he wanted to discuss).

- Allow the message time to take hold: He’s still angry and hurt at me (really a reflection of his longtime inner torment). However, I imagine when he cools down, and has time for my words to sink in and take hold, he’ll begin to understand what I had to say. If I tried to get him to see that before I went to bed tonight, it would be futile. Experience tells me to speak the truth and give it time to sink in.

- End a conversation, even if it’s not over: We have not resolved these issues, but the conversation was not moving in a healthy direction. I told him I was done for the night, but invited him to spend time with me again soon to hash this out. A mark of maturity in working with students is realizing effective relational ministry happens over a season and through effective conflict resolution.

This student is awesome and will be fine. This is, however, our first conflict. While conflict isn’t fun or attractive, it has amazing power to deepen a relationship if handled well. For that, I’m thankful and press on in this ugliness. To read more about dealing effectively with conflict, click here.

There’s more to this story. Read The Day After Students Attack for my notes on the follow up to this conversation.

Here are a few tips for counseling your students with their parents:

- Don’t be available at a moment’s notice. If you can delay the appointment for at least a few hours after the explosive argument, they’ll have a chance to cool down and the session will be more productive

- Start the appointment with prayer. Prayer brings God into the conversation and reminds the counselees that they are Christians. That’s a little tongue in cheek. But, really, sometimes this will help the gloves not come off so much during your meeting.

- Begin with stories of what they like or appreciate about each other or a fond memory. Everybody has to share something. This accomplishes 3 things: 1. It softens everybody in the room, 2. It shows you are going to lead the meeting, 3. It sets a positive mood.

- Stay on point until the parents and student understand each other. Tackle one issue at a time. THIS IS ESSENTIAL!!! The tendency will be for the conversation to go down secondary paths not related to the current topic. You are in control of the meeting. When somebody (parent or child) takes the conversation down an unrelated bunny trail, it’s important that you pause and redirect the person back on track until a common understanding is reached. You’re not looking for buy in or agreement, you’re looking to help them understand each other. Good questions during this time are often, “How would you have handled that if you were the parent?” and “How would that have made you feel if you were the child?”

- Keep the conversation moving. The tendency will be for families to harp on a subject much longer than they need to. They’re pouring out their pain and it feels good. You’re leading the conversation so it’s your job to come to an understanding and move on to the next topic. Once understanding is met, announce, “Now that we have an understanding there, we’re going to put that on the shelf for now and not revisit it again in this session. What’s the next issue?”

- Summarize and suggest action steps. Repeat every issue discussed in the meeting as well as the understanding everybody came to on each topic. Give some ideas that could help them communicate better or be more considerate of each other.

- Close in prayer.

Sometimes a student will reveal something monumental in their lives that we’ll need to help them through. Conversations I’ve had or other leaders have told me about include such topics as drug use, gender identity, sexual impurity, abuse, thoughts of suicide, among others. These can catch any youth worker off guard. However, it’s always an honor to be trusted enough by a student for them to reveal such big issues. When we know how to help them share, we can make experience easier for them.

Here are some questions and comments I use to help students share more about their issues:
1. Tell me more about that
2. How did this start?
3. This must have been a tough time in your life
4. Who else knows about this?
5. How did your family/friends react? or How do you think they will react?
6. In an ideal world, what would you like to see happen in this situation?
7. Tell me about your relationship with God while this has been going on. What do you believe he can do in this situation?
8. As I help you through this, that help might not always be easy or fun. You will have to trust me along the way that you’ll be better off as we deal with this together

All of these questions are designed accomplish five goals:
1. Gently pull the information out of them
2. Build a sense of safety
3. Become source of help
4. Create an opportunity to reveal the grace side of God
5. Lead to other questions and deeper conversations.

These conversations are tough emotionally, but are a great pathway toward intimacy between you, the student and God. Once you make it through helping one student, you’ll want to have more.

Three tips about these types of conversations:
1. Reflect their emotions. It’s healthy to have a wide range of emotions throughout this type of conversation including some comic relief. Laugh with those who laugh. Mourn with those who mourn. It’s incredibly draining, yet awesome.
2. Replace surprise with compassion. When you find yourself wanting to screech, “You did what?!?”, that’s the time to hold your composure and affirm them for taking the scary step of sharing it with you.
3. Show tough love. While you are compassionate, understanding and encouraging, don’t be afraid to set boundaries and standards. They’ll still mess up, but with you holding them accountable, they’ll be on the road toward health. If you don’t do this, you’re nothing more than a place for them to dump information to relieve themselves of guilt.

So, what shouldn’t I do?
1. Ask questions that elicit guilt. They don’t help and the student already realizes a need for change (which us the only “healthy” use for guilt in counseling situations).
2. Make comments that might intimidate or cause fear. The only place fear should appear is in relation to the specific steps necessary to move toward healing. Intimidation has no place in the healing process.

I remember the first crisis I had to face when I first started in youth ministry. I was paralyzed at the idea of going into the home of some students I barely knew whose dad had just passed away. I’ve learned a lot since then. Seeing this article from Kurt Johnston and Josh Griffin confirmed what I’ve learned during the many years between then and now, but also made me wish I had this information back then.

The best way to deal with a crisis is to prepare for it before it ever happens. This article will move youth workers a giant step toward that goal!

Here’s a clip of the article. Read the entire text by clicking here

Let’s say that someone in your youth ministry was in a pretty bad car accident and it is midnight. How do you respond to a crisis like this? Here are some principles that should translate to this and other situations:

Be the First to Show Up
In a real way, you are a tangible expression of Jesus Christ in the lives of your students. Showing up immediately in crisis assures them of their connection to God and of God’s love for them. They find incredible value in your presence, so show up as soon as possible. Assure them that God loves them and there is hope. If you have any question whether or not you’re welcome, go and be turned away rather than not go and regret it later.

Be Present
When you’re there, make sure you’ve got time to give them your full attention. There’s nothing worse than something that is an all-consuming-crisis for someone else that doesn’t carry that same weight with you. Turn off your cell phone, make great eye contact, cancel other appointments so you can give the situation proper time. In short… give them your full attention.

Be Available
In times of crisis a family or student may make some special requests of you. Do everything in your power to make it happen, even if it isn’t in your talent

I recently counseled a student who was incredibly angry that his parents wouldn’t buy him what he wanted. Remember, I live in Orange County, California. Walking across any high school parking lot in town can make even the most devout Mother Theresa wanna be get envious. The collection of cars is more like a car show than a hand-me-down jalopy graveyard littered across the parking lot of the school I attended.

The list of names he called his parents before storming out of the house was a bit disconcerting. How could such a basic need, something he already has, but just wants more of, cause such an angry reaction when denied?

Here are some comments and questions that came up in our conversation. These will hopefully be helpful to others:

• This isn’t just about _________. What’s really going on?
• Those things you said were to make your parents angry, right?
• Did that help?
• Did you get what you want?
• They’ve set up a structure for you to earn money, right? (Washing windows, cars, vacuuming, etc – in this case, I knew the answer beforehand)
• Why would you expect them to give you something without you doing your part?
• Let’s talk about coping skills
  • When a person is 2 or 3, parents expect a kid to throw himself on the ground and have a tantrum when they don’t get their way
  • When a kid gets to be 7 or 8, parents will probably take that kid to a doctor to get checked out for emotional issues if he hasn’t changed his coping skills by then
  • You’re almost out of high school, I think you’re beyond the coping skills you’re using
  • Would you be embarrassed if I walked into your house while you were treating your parents the way you were?
  • Think through how you deal with not getting what you want
• What’s life going to be like when you’re on your own?
  • You’ve got your own place
  • You set your own rules
  • People in your house answer to you
  • (He saw where I was going)
  • Right now it’s your parent’s turn to make those rules
  • Pretty soon (in a few years) it will be your turn
  • For now, you gotta live by their rules and respect that
• There is a path toward getting your way
  • Show ownership
  • Create a plan based on the allowance system they’ve set up for you
  • Say to them you’ll have it done by Friday
  • You’ll have _________ on Saturday
  • No drama needed

In the last few weeks our students have been opening up quite a bit about personal struggles. I thought I’d share some insights about handling these sensitive of conversations:

For the youth volunteer to know:

• There are no new sins, only new ways to commit them
• God is not surprised
• Struggle is a normal part of owning our decision to be sold out to God
• Don’t be surprised by anything a student tells you
• Don’t promise to keep secrets before you hear what they are going to tell you
  • You cannot keep secret about
    • A student being harmed
    • A student who will be harmed
• Don’t counsel students of the opposite sex one-on-one

For the youth volunteer to communicate before the student shares:

• Ask, “Are you nervous about sharing?”
• Say, “There’s nothing you could share that will make me or God…
  • …think less of you.”
  • …hate you.”
  • “We’re here for you.”

Allow the student to share and ask follow-up questions

After the student shares:

• Affirm him for opening up
• Reassure him that
  • You are not surprised by what was shared
  • You are here to help him go down the right path
• Come up with action steps and an accountability plan to help the student go down the right path
• Plan for follow-up conversations to check progress
• Pray for the student
• Assure the student that the problem will not be fixed during the course of one conversation
  • Health takes breaking habits and starting new ones
  • Health requires forgiving others/asking for forgiveness
  • Health won’t happen without God’s intervention… and he wants to intervene in a loving way